Arnold Schwarzenegger to star in Why We're Killing Gunther/ My Story Idea

Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to star in a comedy titled Why We're Killing Gunther, when he should be starring in..

Storm 

The year is 3021 and New York is a crime ridden cesspool of death, rape and vermin, the police as we know it has been extinct for 100 years, but in it's place a new group of vigilantes known as The Resort have guarded the new islands and the sea surrounding them for several years.. The water patrol is feared by thugs and lowlifes for it's extreme firepower and zero tolerance towards criminals. Now a new tough as nails General has been elected in charge, Bigs (Schwarzenegger), and his mission to infiltrate the main city and take it back. On the approach of an arduous fought decade he seeks to finally destroy his nemesis, Hurley Aldenight aka Steel Knuckles (the kingpin of New Hell's Kitchen) played by Stephen Lang, and dismantle his army of the Red Cross once and for all. His team, a hardened and navy seal trained; Bullets (Elijah Wood), a highly skilled martial artist and explosive deliverer; Lights (Mark Dacascos), bullseye markman and weapons expert; Sights (Christian Slater), close combat fighter and lethal knife killer; Knives (Emily Blunt) and the heavy gun enforcer; Guns (Mr. Olympia Champion - Dexter Jackson), extensively trained by Bigs in the game bunkers in advanced tactical combat and counter-strikes, now ready to take over the four armored buildings of the Red Cross, Maxwald Hotel, Union Top, Shepard's Block and the last standing skyscraper of New York; the Chrysler Building. Prepare for the thrillride of the year, violence and blood at breakneck speed, it's Arnie's comeback action role everyone's talking about.. Don't blink or you'll end up dead!

Steel Knuckles - Stephen Lang
Red Honcho - Ben Foster
Killjoy - Rhona Mitra
Mits - Iko Uwais

Bigs Mueller - Arnold Schwarzenegger
Guns - Dexter Jackson
Bullets - Elijah Wood
Sights - Christian Slater
Knives - Emily Blunt
Lights - Mark Dacascos

Rated R, for high level violence and course language.

The LEGO Batman Movie Trailer Review

Lego Batman trailer dropped today or at least the "teaser", and it's safe to call it thoroughly unexciting and unfunny.
Take a look below and see what I mean.
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The intro beatbox was obviously a bit attempt to provide humour yet it fails hard with a vengeance, hint: Humour doesn't equal namedropping slang words. Isn't any one tired of this shtick millennials keep shoehorning in? Then there's some casually mentioning of Batman and Robin in the same sentence as The Dark Knight - they really went there, and some boring arse scene where Batman is microwaving lobster that I think is supposed to be funny... Pausing for ages and then making some blip bloop sound doesn't mean funny. At least not on this planet. There is also the placement of hip hop music because it's the go-to safe crowd pleasing choice because millennials exist. On top of all this, Seth Grahame Smith obviously can't write good humour despite his best attempts so in conclusion I smell this as a stinker a mile away, and come release I believe this'll not be close to quality entertainment The Lego Movie was.

Arnie Films We Missed Out On

What we could have got - Sgt. Rock (1988) - What we got - Twins (1988)

Would any Arnold Schwarzenegger fan have been disappointed by this switch of films? Even if it was so-so (which is almost unbelievable considering John McTiernan of Predator and Die Hard 1 and 3 was going to direct), it would have been another classic Arnold action film under his belt and Twins would be a script adrift for some forgettable gross out Rob Schneider flick. I'm betting it would have been better than Raw Deal, better than Red Heat, better than Red Sonja, better than End of Days and Eraser and slew of others. Perhaps if Arnold needed the money he may have gone through with it too, but as it's well documented in Arnold's book; Total Recall, he was financially well off by the late 80's and could choose to be picky about his films instead of jumping on sequels like many other action stars. I would have taken Sgt Rock over Twins and it's sappy overly sentimental third act, with it's obvious dated and cliche mismatched pairing comedy format, no slight against Arnold but they could have got any bodybuilder in the role of Julius and it'd been hardly different. In terms of films I don't mind Twins but I don't see it as anything remarkable more than say Vice Versa (1988) or other late 80's mismatched comedy movies, it may have widened Arnold's scope of acting but it's ultimately forgettable beyond Arnold being a larger than life character next to Danny Devito's mannerisms.

Never forget.

For more info visit: http://www.dammagedgoods.com/2013/04/the-way-we-werent-arnold-schwarzenegger.html - I was made aware of this project's details and sourced one photo from this website.

Thoughts and Other Ramblings: The Shitbit

So looking up retail Fitbit prices I see the Fitbit starts at $100. $100 for a glorified pedometer. Oh but it acts as a clunky dull colored wristband toooooooo. And people I know are actually paying this price by means of legitimately forking out their actual earned wages? I mean did I miss something because there must be an in-joke somewhere here I'm not aware of, like it secretly calculates how much alcohol you drink, how many times you spew or is it how much money is wasted on fad items a year.

Of course I'm well aware it measures sleep but it still doesn't make it a good purchase. There are one of two reasons people think this is normal and not a lot of to spend, they believe their Fitbit will be worth it from word of mouth/popularity and two; people have become so accustomed to over priced things they feel it's not a rip off.

Word of mouth/popularity suckers in a lot of people every year, although we all like to think we can see through gimmicks and flashy junk, people are largely gullible to advice and danoz direct type sales, without so much as any research before a purchase. With just the right amount of incentive people will buy just about anything. Whereas being accustomed to an expensive life is the traditional history and inevitability of living in 1st world countries, where if there's a way to 'overcharge 20% for immediate availability' 9 out of 10 shops will do it. Shoppers aren't happy about it but they see no alternative, of course this has changed somewhat due to shopping online but for first day buyers clearly retail shops are the only option.

People who use Fitbit claim it helps them lose weight when in reality it's just positive reinforcement that is the driving force of any change in weight. They have something that congratulates them for achieving something very small and that makes them seek to achieve much more. A shame then that electronics have replaced someones positive and supportive words of encouragement.

In summary I think it's absurd that it costs $100 for what is so very limited, sure there is other more useless tech that costs a lot more but all who pay the going price are keeping the chain of expensive stock steady and ever flowing. My advice is don't buy from companies that don't charge what is fair, get a free app that does the same thing, get the knock off that costs half, don't be suckered into thinking there's no other option.

Disappointing Games: South Park (1998)

South Park for the N64 is extremely repetitive and tiresome to play. It's a FPS built with the Turok engine but it's simply ugly to look at even with bright cartoon visuals. The sound effects from your player and enemies becomes increasingly grating to the point of rage, there's only so many times one can hear an obnoxious South Park quote and produce a smile let alone emotion of any kind. As the game progresses there's a lot walking that feels slow and aimless, and even with mildy enjoyable quirky music it feels lifeless and boring. After killing a bunch of enemies the levels are entirely devoid of life except for power ups and collectibles, I'm almost positive the music was all that kept me trucking along for a better level or some game breaking glitch that would end my suffering.

The excessive fog coverage can not be understated as it blinds you from knowing where you're going and you'll just walk around guessing which direction to take and what areas are completed. Hoping a new game mechanic will emerge or something mildy interesting will be hiding behind a distant corner. Not to be.

The character you play appears to move by floating, this is accentuated by having no sound effects of any kind as you move or climb. It's just constant silence like the deadest of nights, you're a damned ghost drifting through a snow themed polygon demo with no personalty whatsoever, apart from your character of choice yelling catchphrase after catchphrase.

You have a choice of 4 main players to choose from including Cartman, Kyle, Kenny and Stan, but there's very little difference apart from which sound bytes you want to suffer though the most. Choosing Kenny will save your patience momentarily as you guess what's he's saying, probably something far funnier than what's actually being said. The weapons are the only redeeming quality of the game as they have the most creative design with a good variety to collect and choose from. I think if this game was a 2D platformer it may have been somewhat enjoyable and not have felt so dull and a chore to play, but as it's stands 'South Park: The Game' should be highly avoided.

Radical Sequel Roundup 2

Friday the 13th Part 7: Jason Park - After a number of delays the seventh entry of the film series was released in 1995 after a fitting 7 year wait, titled Jason Park, it cheekily referenced the hugely popular movie Jurassic Park which came out two years before. Kane Hodder stepped into the role of Jason Voorhees for the first time and continued on as the masked killer for three more successful movies. Set one month after the events of the Jason Lives, Jason Voorhees is set free from his underwater tomb by a dark shadowy figure and lured into the back of a elaborately built van, where he is then trapped and driven to a remote destination in the woods. Jason ultimately sets himself free by breaking down the thick steel doors and lunging out into a wooded area, where a circus tent and large amusement park glimmer off in the distance. Two guys are introduced (Scott Wolf and Chris O'Donnell) who are big videogame enthusiasts as well as two women (Holly Marie Combs and Lara Flynn Boyle) who are less than interested, it's a double date at the park and so far all four are enjoying the night. The foursome prepare to ride the popular supposedly 'haunted' attraction; Astro-Demon's Domain. Only they don't know Jason is killing the crew working the cart mechanics, and waiting on the otherside. Will Jason succeed in killing them all? Who is this dark shadowy figure who set him free and what are his plans? Part 7 was released with mixed reviews, some stated it was too self aware and too slick with modern production while others heralded it as the reinvention Jason Voohees needed.

Twilight Zone: The Second Movie -  Released in 1987, the second Twilight Zone movie featured the same formula with three different stories as the first. Steven Spielberg only worked as producer for the motion picture but was stated to be very pleased with the talented list of directors chosen. Jerry Goldsmith returned to deliver a bombastic yet emotional score that reportedly exceeded Steven Spielberg's expectations.

The prologue starred Bill Murray as Dillon and Robert Englund as David, who both get stuck in an elevator together on their way to different business meetings. To pass the time they trade jokes to each other until Englund's character explains he's holding the elevator cart up with his mind, thinking it's some bizarre joke Dillon plays along until David proves it by violently shaking the cart with his mind. Englund's character offers Murray's two choices, if he can tell him a joke in 15 minutes that's so funny he laughs hysterically he will open the door and allow him to exit safely to his meeting, and he will fall to a certain death. But if he fails to make him laugh they will both fall to their death. A montage ensues as Dillon relentlessly throws joke after joke, many hand and body gestures working in unison with his exaggerated facial expressions, while sweat pours down his face and stains his shirt in pools of dark grey, until he finally delivers the kicker that sets him free and into the waiting reception. A minute later, Dillon having heard no crash, turns around and clicks the elevator button to find the elevator perfectly sound with no one inside.

The first segment was directed by Martin Scorsese, and features a mafia gang hunting down a snitch named Theo (Sean Penn) in a crime ridden part of LA. In the dark foggy hours of a mid-winter morning they hunt him down in a number of unmarked cars filled with mobsters. He decides to hide in a random underground bar nearby. At the back seating area he witnesses a news report on a TV about a bombing in Texas when suddenly he starts to experience vivid deja vu, he sees where the gang will enter from as well as where and when to leave to avoid confrontation, his deathly future becomes apparent and avoidable. Mind maps of his future slowly process through his head. As the sun begins to rise, Theo travels to a rival gang territory to hide in desperation, he starts to lose perception of what is happening now and what is minutes in the future, affecting the very fabric of his reality. Can he survive in a demented dream-like existence or is he destined for an untimely end?

The second segment was directed by Richard Donner, the story concerns a disabled young man named Marty played by Anthony Michael Hall, who is confined to a wheelchair with multiple Sclerosis and unable to speak, he strangely seems to attract bad accidents, crime and even death where ever he goes. After a number of concerning years his carer, Elisabeth Crews played by Elisabeth Shue, begins to highly worry so she takes him to a number of appointments with authorities and brain thought specialists to determine why, but all of them come up empty handed until one late night in a backend of Chinatown. This is where she encounters a shop owner named Samuel Sun (James Hong), an advanced demonologist and self-proclaimed 4th dimension traveler. He says the young man she cares for actually is a sinister being called The Shan Kin that travels on the otherside of time and space, and can steal her very soul if it feels any danger. Sun explains she must travel with him to the 4th dimension where they will fight Shan Kin and vanquish it down to the darkgates, the unwavering space of eternal limbo. Will Elisabeth believe Sun's wild story and venture beyond? Will she save Marty or is all too late?

The third segment was directed by Joel Schumacher, it starred Michael Douglas as Doug White and Linda Fiorentino as Pam White, the two actors played a married couple relaxing on holiday on a secluded beach in Mombasa. After some hours drinking champagne and tanning in the sun they wake to notice their waiter is missing, so Doug reluctantly goes to investigate behind the bar, only to see it cleaned bone dry. The two decide to pack up and head to their room for dinner but are both hit with a thick coverage of leafy plants that greatly slow them down on their way, they almost feel lost before finally making their exit to a suddenly empty hotel. The two question if there was a severe storm warning they missed or perhaps a bomb threat, but conclude they were only asleep for a brief moment and someone would have told them. The two search for many minutes and eventually decide to leave the hotel only to find more thick leafy plants blocking the way. It seems impossible to leave, so thoroughly exhausted they turn back for now to try again later. As the two walk back past the bright blue pool, Pam notices in the distance a figure moving in the garage window, she runs over to the shed to ask for help but is shocked and taken aback to see her husband Doug killing her with an axe. "What is it, honey? What do you see?" As Pam turns around to see her husband still next to the pool and completely oblivious.

Good Obscure or Rarely Discussed Films: Stay Tuned (1992)

Director: Peter Hyams

Starring: John Ritter, Pam Dawber, Jeffrey Jones

John Ritter plays Roy Knable, a struggling plumbing salesman who's mainly a couch potato when away from work and with the family, one day he gets an upgrade on his home television unit from a shady door salesman named Mr. Spike. This upgrade comes in the package of a new high tech satellite dish filled with strange channels that none of the big networks offer. Things take a turn for the weird when Roy and his wife Helen get sucked into the twisted world of their TV and forced to partake in a series of gameshows and obstacles with life or death consequences.

Stay Tuned is a thrill ride from the get-go, it doesn't spend much time developing the characters or coming up with a brilliant set-up as say Honey I Shrunk The Kids. It instead goes for the jugular and transports you into a twisted realm of screwy comedy, of which can seem like a lost episode of Twilight Zone or Tales from the Crypt. John Ritter in my opinion was rarely better than here with his perfectly timed brand of dry comedic delivery, working in time with the films outlandish spectacle of tv show send-ups in effortless fashion.

It's family entertainment at it's finest with a sense of daring potential rarely seen, never scared to go places the MPAA would have a field day with, but always managing to have heart and importance despite it's overtly wacky tone. To put it simply it's a relic of it's time, it's when studios dared to take chances and new ideas were welcomed with dollar signs.

Much of the reason it's not highly regarded is due to it having ditched the light-hearted fluff of yesteryear and going for cleverly disguised M-rated jokes, this was of course met with disapproval by most families looking for another Hook or Mighty Ducks. Aided to that themes of Hell and Satan, with gags about murderers, death and horror movies and you've got a wild mix that was ten years ahead of it's time. Highly recommended if you like John Ritter and your PG Rated comedy with bite.