Disappointing Games: South Park (1998)

South Park for the N64 is extremely repetitive and tiresome to play. It's a FPS built with the Turok engine but it's simply ugly to look at even with bright cartoon visuals. The sound effects from your player and enemies becomes increasingly grating to the point of rage, there's only so many times one can hear an obnoxious South Park quote and produce a smile let alone emotion of any kind. As the game progresses there's a lot walking that feels slow and aimless, and even with mildy enjoyable quirky music it feels lifeless and boring. After killing a bunch of enemies the levels are entirely devoid of life except for power ups and collectibles, I'm almost positive the music was all that kept me trucking along for a better level or some game breaking glitch that would end my suffering.

The excessive fog coverage can not be understated as it blinds you from knowing where you're going and you'll just walk around guessing which direction to take and what areas are completed. Hoping a new game mechanic will emerge or something mildy interesting will be hiding behind a distant corner. Not to be.

The character you play appears to move by floating, this is accentuated by having no sound effects of any kind as you move or climb. It's just constant silence like the deadest of nights, you're a damned ghost drifting through a snow themed polygon demo with no personalty whatsoever, apart from your character of choice yelling catchphrase after catchphrase.

You have a choice of 4 main players to choose from including Cartman, Kyle, Kenny and Stan, but there's very little difference apart from which sound bytes you want to suffer though the most. Choosing Kenny will save your patience momentarily as you guess what's he's saying, probably something far funnier than what's actually being said. The weapons are the only redeeming quality of the game as they have the most creative design with a good variety to collect and choose from. I think if this game was a 2D platformer it may have been somewhat enjoyable and not have felt so dull and a chore to play, but as it's stands 'South Park: The Game' should be highly avoided.

Radical Sequel Roundup 2

Friday the 13th Part 7: Jason Park - After a number of delays the seventh entry of the film series was released in 1995 after a fitting 7 year wait, titled Jason Park, it cheekily referenced the hugely popular movie Jurassic Park which came out two years before. Kane Hodder stepped into the role of Jason Voorhees for the first time and continued on as the masked killer for three more successful movies. Set one month after the events of the Jason Lives, Jason Voorhees is set free from his underwater tomb by a dark shadowy figure and lured into the back of a elaborately built van, where he is then trapped and driven to a remote destination in the woods. Jason ultimately sets himself free by breaking down the thick steel doors and lunging out into a wooded area, where a circus tent and large amusement park glimmer off in the distance. Two guys are introduced (Scott Wolf and Chris O'Donnell) who are big videogame enthusiasts as well as two women (Holly Marie Combs and Lara Flynn Boyle) who are less than interested, it's a double date at the park and so far all four are enjoying the night. The foursome prepare to ride the popular supposedly 'haunted' attraction; Astro-Demon's Domain. Only they don't know Jason is killing the crew working the cart mechanics, and waiting on the otherside. Will Jason succeed in killing them all? Who is this dark shadowy figure who set him free and what are his plans? Part 7 was released with mixed reviews, some stated it was too self aware and too slick with modern production while others heralded it as the reinvention Jason Voohees needed.

Twilight Zone: The Second Movie -  Released in 1987, the second Twilight Zone movie featured the same formula with three different stories as the first. Steven Spielberg only worked as producer for the motion picture but was stated to be very pleased with the talented list of directors chosen. Jerry Goldsmith returned to deliver a bombastic yet emotional score that reportedly exceeded Steven Spielberg's expectations.

The prologue starred Bill Murray as Dillon and Robert Englund as David, who both get stuck in an elevator together on their way to different business meetings. To pass the time they trade jokes to each other until Englund's character explains he's holding the elevator cart up with his mind, thinking it's some bizarre joke Dillon plays along until David proves it by violently shaking the cart with his mind. Englund's character offers Murray's two choices, if he can tell him a joke in 15 minutes that's so funny he laughs hysterically he will open the door and allow him to exit safely to his meeting, and he will fall to a certain death. But if he fails to make him laugh they will both fall to their death. A montage ensues as Dillon relentlessly throws joke after joke, many hand and body gestures working in unison with his exaggerated facial expressions, while sweat pours down his face and stains his shirt in pools of dark grey, until he finally delivers the kicker that sets him free and into the waiting reception. A minute later, Dillon having heard no crash, turns around and clicks the elevator button to find the elevator perfectly sound with no one inside.

The first segment was directed by Martin Scorsese, and features a mafia gang hunting down a snitch named Theo (Sean Penn) in a crime ridden part of LA. In the dark foggy hours of a mid-winter morning they hunt him down in a number of unmarked cars filled with mobsters. He decides to hide in a random underground bar nearby. At the back seating area he witnesses a news report on a TV about a bombing in Texas when suddenly he starts to experience vivid deja vu, he sees where the gang will enter from as well as where and when to leave to avoid confrontation, his deathly future becomes apparent and avoidable. Mind maps of his future slowly process through his head. As the sun begins to rise, Theo travels to a rival gang territory to hide in desperation, he starts to lose perception of what is happening now and what is minutes in the future, affecting the very fabric of his reality. Can he survive in a demented dream-like existence or is he destined for an untimely end?

The second segment was directed by Richard Donner, the story concerns a disabled young man named Marty played by Anthony Michael Hall, who is confined to a wheelchair with multiple Sclerosis and unable to speak, he strangely seems to attract bad accidents, crime and even death where ever he goes. After a number of concerning years his carer, Elisabeth Crews played by Elisabeth Shue, begins to highly worry so she takes him to a number of appointments with authorities and brain thought specialists to determine why, but all of them come up empty handed until one late night in a backend of Chinatown. This is where she encounters a shop owner named Samuel Sun (James Hong), an advanced demonologist and self-proclaimed 4th dimension traveler. He says the young man she cares for actually is a sinister being called The Shan Kin that travels on the otherside of time and space, and can steal her very soul if it feels any danger. Sun explains she must travel with him to the 4th dimension where they will fight Shan Kin and vanquish it down to the darkgates, the unwavering space of eternal limbo. Will Elisabeth believe Sun's wild story and venture beyond? Will she save Marty or is all too late?

The third segment was directed by Joel Schumacher, it starred Michael Douglas as Doug White and Linda Fiorentino as Pam White, the two actors played a married couple relaxing on holiday on a secluded beach in Mombasa. After some hours drinking champagne and tanning in the sun they wake to notice their waiter is missing, so Doug reluctantly goes to investigate behind the bar, only to see it cleaned bone dry. The two decide to pack up and head to their room for dinner but are both hit with a thick coverage of leafy plants that greatly slow them down on their way, they almost feel lost before finally making their exit to a suddenly empty hotel. The two question if there was a severe storm warning they missed or perhaps a bomb threat, but conclude they were only asleep for a brief moment and someone would have told them. The two search for many minutes and eventually decide to leave the hotel only to find more thick leafy plants blocking the way. It seems impossible to leave, so thoroughly exhausted they turn back for now to try again later. As the two walk back past the bright blue pool, Pam notices in the distance a figure moving in the garage window, she runs over to the shed to ask for help but is shocked and taken aback to see her husband Doug killing her with an axe. "What is it, honey? What do you see?" As Pam turns around to see her husband still next to the pool and completely oblivious.

Good Obscure or Rarely Discussed Films: Stay Tuned (1992)

Director: Peter Hyams

Starring: John Ritter, Pam Dawber, Jeffrey Jones

John Ritter plays Roy Knable, a struggling plumbing salesman who's mainly a couch potato when away from work and with the family, one day he gets an upgrade on his home television unit from a shady door salesman named Mr. Spike. This upgrade comes in the package of a new high tech satellite dish filled with strange channels that none of the big networks offer. Things take a turn for the weird when Roy and his wife Helen get sucked into the twisted world of their TV and forced to partake in a series of gameshows and obstacles with life or death consequences.

Stay Tuned is a thrill ride from the get-go, it doesn't spend much time developing the characters or coming up with a brilliant set-up as say Honey I Shrunk The Kids. It instead goes for the jugular and transports you into a twisted realm of screwy comedy, of which can seem like a lost episode of Twilight Zone or Tales from the Crypt. John Ritter in my opinion was rarely better than here with his perfectly timed brand of dry comedic delivery, working in time with the films outlandish spectacle of tv show send-ups in effortless fashion.

It's family entertainment at it's finest with a sense of daring potential rarely seen, never scared to go places the MPAA would have a field day with, but always managing to have heart and importance despite it's overtly wacky tone. To put it simply it's a relic of it's time, it's when studios dared to take chances and new ideas were welcomed with dollar signs.

Much of the reason it's not highly regarded is due to it having ditched the light-hearted fluff of yesteryear and going for cleverly disguised M-rated jokes, this was of course met with disapproval by most families looking for another Hook or Mighty Ducks. Aided to that themes of Hell and Satan, with gags about murderers, death and horror movies and you've got a wild mix that was ten years ahead of it's time. Highly recommended if you like John Ritter and your PG Rated comedy with bite.

Radical Sequel Roundup 1

They Live 'Again!' - John Carpenter opts against Escape from LA to bring a sequel to his 1988 cult classic; They Live. Roddy Piper returns as John Nada and Kurt Russell co-stars as a tough as nails detective, Sam Hurt. Set after humanities first attack and imprisonment of the aliens of the first film, John Nada is cloned back to life using advanced alien technology, the only problem is.. Zodern, a very elusive mastermind alien, is doing the same thing with what's left of the alien population, and now the clock is ticking down for Nada and Hurt to hunt down Zodern and his followers before they can create an army large enough to control LA and memory-wipe the world with airborne hallucinogens. Roddy Piper delivers a heavy performance as a man forced into an unstable world on the verge of collapse while also wrestling with emotions of who he is as a clone, while Kurt Russell offers the voice of action and reason to a bluntly dismissive John Nada, the suspense ramps up as the two try desperately to catch Zodern, but nothing will prepare you for the explosive finale that several high profile reviewers including Roger Ebert say trumps the first film.

Roadhouse Las Vegas - Off of his return to cinemas with the hit movie Donnie Darko, it was a busy year for Patrick Swayze with 11:14 and One Last Dance, but he hit his final roundhouse with stellar blockbuster Roadhouse Las Vegas. The year is now 2003 and an older James Dalton is faced with the deadly choice of life in prison or operate an elite squad of bouncers at the hardest gig in town, the 15 storey Ocean Casino, where the mob and corrupt police rule and the only way to exit is in a body bag. It's down to Dalton and his two loyal friends, Cassidy Walker and Elliot Miller, to take down the special armed forces and security that control the upper floors, then the infamous and sadistic big boss, Don Hogue.

Indiana Jones and The Thorns of Helheim - The 4th entry in the popular film franchise was released in 1996, Harrison Ford decided to depart Sabrina early into production to return one last time to his undisputed role of Indiana Jones. Set in 1942 in the heart of Iceland, several feet deep beneath the surface sits the entrance to Helheim, the long since thought fictitious Hel of Norse mythology. Accidentally excavated by Indiana Jones and his team of diggers in search of a mysterious blue boat of gold, it's up to Indiana Jones and his young friend Short Round to explore the grand labyrinth-like city below. All seems promising as the two quickly return with gem-encrusted golden artifacts, until the entrance is suddenly sealed shut and with no exit it's up to the pair to continue the treacherous journey below in search of an exit. Critics and fans were predominantly overjoyed, saying it delivered the right tone with it's dark and more adult subject matter that Temple of Doom simply couldn't get right. Short Round is equal parts comic relief as he is a useful quick-thinking sidekick, with deeper emotion depth and a character arc that continues on where Temple of Doom only dabbled.

In Defense of The Older Action-Movie Star

You've seen it, the general negative opinion of older actors returning to their action roots, it's everywhere you look, from snooty critics to movie site comments, to the damning box office. But what is exactly wrong with actors in their 60's doing physical demanding roles?

One might say it's their appearance, that they are no longer the glorious image of strength and peek psychical fitness they once were. In this instance it seems if an actor ages they must do drama or more suitable 'old man' roles, but action stars are not forever young and truth be told most started their careers in their 30's. Most didn't have the foresight to how successful they might become. So should they therefore give up what they're good at because they don't look as youthful as they did? Frankly, it seems to be a shallow judgement any which way you slice it.

"They should age gracefully and pull away from psychical demanding roles". Why should they if they can pull off a strong role like Sylvester Stallone has shown with his later succession of films, from Rambo 4 and on, looking older but nowhere near frail or incapable of such heroic feats, then why be a negative ball and chain of such things unless you don't want to see more of their action films.

Let's take Arnold Schwarzenegger for example, as he appears to be the most strong bearer or criticism due to his age. Why is now that Schwarzenegger is receiving the brunt when comments regarding The Sixth Day in 2000 featured nothing of the sort, age wasn't a factor in the slightest degree, what happened in 13 years that grew out the public's disapproval? Could it be his time as governor, or his well publicized affair in 2012, two things that really shouldn't affect ones view of his action movies, or is the sad truth that the public simply can't separate the man off-screen from the actor on-screen? I personally think it's directly related.

This leads into the old age equation by way of mocking and ridicule, one instance of criticism (his affair) leads to another criticism (he's no longer the flawless man we grew up with) which leads to another. Age is simply one of the most obvious targets. Whether they are valid in relation to the actor's public output or not, all the faults of the celebrity are in the spotlight and are up for scrutiny.

I grew up with action heroes such as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone and it's not a mere nostalgia trip to see their new movies, it's about more quality action movies from quality action stars who have the personality as well as the muscles. Two things (despite new comers like Dwayne Johnson) that have rarely been duplicated so well. I don't see two frail actors struggling to breathe, cooped up in a wheelchair with some debilitating illness, what ever trends come or go, whether politically correct or on the fence, whether violence is in or out, I see two actors past their prime but still in top form.

Yep, still got it.